“Literally everyone is a mess, so pick your favorite train wreck and roll it.” ~ Hannah Marbach
You’ve probably heard it before: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” A beautiful saying based on what Nietzsche wrote in one of his books (Götzendämmerung). It always makes me feel like life can only go up. Forward and up.
According to Nietzsche, suffering can be used as an opportunity to build strength. No matter what pain, illness, or trauma you experience, you will come out of it stronger—as long as you take the opportunity to grow.
But what if you don’t take this opportunity? What if suffering and emotional trauma do not strengthen us, but weaken us?
I lost my father to suicide a little over twenty years ago. His illness and death have left their mark on me. Even now, some days I feel insecure, not good enough, weak. This usually happens when I’ve been way too stressed.
Those days I forget I just need to relax. To deal with this uncertainty, I activate my survival mechanisms – and then stress myself even more. I keep people out and frantically attend to all sorts of things.
In terms of work, I stick to “safe” jobs like working for clients I don’t really enjoy working for (I’m a content writer).
I would much rather do something really creative, something that comes from the heart. Like writing this article or writing another book. Or reaching out to people to collaborate on projects.
But that’s scary! So when I’m stressed, I put it all aside and choose safety.
Self Protection or Self Destruction?
Doesn’t that mean that trauma then prevents us from growing?
Because when you look at it, when you look at how most of us adults react after suffering trauma in our childhood, what do you notice?
It makes us more protective. It strengthens our survival mode. our walls. It keeps us from living fully, because to live fully is to live fearlessly.
And I don’t mean without fear; I mean “fearless” in the sense of not being controlled by fear. Because fears are always there. Fears are part of existence.
When you experience trauma, especially in your younger years, you are more likely to develop a sensitive stress system and become a self-protective adult.
Eric Kandel, Nobel Laureate in Physiology, researched this topic by observing how snails reacted after being slapped with their tails. He found that they retreat faster when the first punch is the strongest, even when the punches are softer afterwards.
However, if the first blow is gentle, they will retreat less quickly. So the trauma of the initial, stronger blow makes the snails respond more violently to neutral stimuli (the softer blows).
Humans show a similar hypersensitivity. Childhood trauma can cause you to react more violently to certain situations as an adult. You may have trouble dealing with rejection, worry about what others think of you, and may have less trust in others—or yourself.
You can do all the work, read all the self growth and self help books, and do all the inner child therapy in the world to mend the cracks in the vase that houses your soul.
But you’ll always carry that hurt little you inside you that takes the stage when you least expect it. It keeps you from being your unique, vulnerable self without you realizing it.
Their self-defense mechanisms have become so powerful that you cannot see them digging your own grave. A tomb for your ambitions, your dreams, your expression, your creativity, your uniqueness.
Embrace your trauma
It doesn’t have to be like this. Not when we realize that it’s not the cracks that make us vulnerable. It’s not the trauma.
It is our desire to be crack free and trauma free. We tend to ignore the cracks because we don’t want to see or show these imperfect parts of our pretty little vase.
And then one day something bad happens again and everything collapses. They pick up the pieces and try to stick them together with clear glue so other people won’t notice it’s broken.
But it’s no use. The original power of your vase, your soul home, is gone. It will forever remain sensitive and in need of protection.
What if you did the opposite? What if instead of glue that you hope no one notices, you use gold?
A beautiful, eye-catching gold that will not only add incredible strength to your vase, but also make the cracks the most beautiful and unique part of the entire structure.
This is called kintsugi: the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold. It teaches us to celebrate mistakes and imperfections instead of hiding them. The broken pieces make the pottery more valuable!
This perspective not only frees us from the limitations we set ourselves: always wanting to be perfect, avoiding anything that scares us, and never being ourselves. It also helps us connect with others as they see they are not the only ones broken.
Perhaps we need to embrace our trauma, our cracks, so that we can truly shine and live colorful, connected lives. I know it’s difficult. And it can take a long time to get to that point and feel able to let go of the pain, the broken pieces, the story.
But when you do, you’ll see that what’s left shines brighter than ever.
You can use your story and help others deal with theirs.
Then trauma can make us all stronger.
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