I haven’t had sex in years. One day I was meditating and my mind was still (an extremely rare occurrence), then I heard, “Don’t have sex until you’re married.” Something I heard a lot growing up as a Southern Baptist.
I started breathing rapidly and my mind immediately started racing. I’m pretty sure I cried, if not then then later. I felt like I was given clear instructions on what to do to take my life to another level.
The problem was that marriage wasn’t on my to-do list. I like the idea of monogamy, but I don’t like the idea of being legally bound to someone for life. Then, if for some reason that doesn’t work out, I have to go through the legal system for my separation.
I also thought that meant I would never have sex again, so my mind was everywhere. Fear had taken over. But then I actually listened to this message.
The first thing I realized was that on a subconscious level I was having sex with men before I was ready because I lacked the confidence to say no. I was afraid that if I didn’t have sex with them, they wouldn’t like me or stay.
I also learned that I use sex to get my needs met. Sometimes I was just lonely and wanted to be cuddled or held, but I didn’t want to share that. I felt like no one was going to give me that, so I ended up tapping someone’s boots.
I learned that I believed my worth was tied to my sexuality. I’ve also learned that when I have sex with someone, I develop a strong bond with them. I could not think clear. It was no longer about growth or love, but about ego. will they call me Do you like me? I never asked myself if I liked her.
While I have no idea when I’ll be sexually active again, I do know one thing: I’ve redefined my definition of marriage as a spiritual partnership. A union that is not legally bound but is soul bound for whatever period of time it flows. And I’m waiting for that now.
To me, this illegal marriage is about growth. It’s a safe space to judge whether or not to continue the relationship. Maybe with a weekly or monthly check-in. If it feels right, you move on; If someone decides it’s not working for some reason, move on. People grow and change. Sometimes you grow together, sometimes apart. There isn’t that underlining pressure to remain attached to someone that your twenty year old self is attracted to.
A spiritual partnership is a place where we are sure to be our authentic selves. We encourage each other, support each other. Discover our sexuality. There is comfort in telling the other person what feels good and what doesn’t. It’s safe to say and share what we think and feel. I think we will find that this type of spiritual partnership ends up lasting a lot longer than most marriages.
Another lesson I’ve learned since getting the message not to have sex is that I always thought sex was something you had to do. I didn’t think a person could function without her. It turns out you can. I’ve become more familiar with my body and what I like and what’s good for me. I’ve become more confident and have learned that my worth and worth is not at all related to my sexuality.
I also learned patience, trust and dedication. We tend to settle out of fear. That’s something I want to challenge. I want to see what it’s like to wait. Having patience and trusting that if I don’t jump on someone who shows interest in me because I’m afraid of being alone, I’ll have a meaningful relationship over time. I have a feeling it will be far more rewarding than I can imagine.
I have learned that my body is sacred, that I want to share this with a person and give this as a gift. I want to wait to have sex until I’m in a spiritual partnership, not because someone told me to, but because it feels right to me. Not having sex has helped me love myself, develop my own beliefs outside of the religion I was raised in, and blossom into someone I like and respect.
If you find yourself having thoughts like “men always take advantage of me” or “there aren’t any good men out there” or maybe “I feel used,” I strongly encourage you to calm down and ask yourself : What role do I play in this? What am I doing to create this reality for myself? What can I do differently to get different results?
About Katie Creel
Katie Creel has been a nurse for 18 years. She is the owner of Orenda Life Coaching, LLC where she practices as a Certified Health and Life Coach and Certified Creative Insight Journey Instructor. Katie believes that we have the power within ourselves to effect the changes we need to create the life we desire. She teaches tools and exercises to help you reconnect with your intuition and creativity.
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