“A great marriage isn’t when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It’s when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” ~ Dave Meurer
My husband and I will soon be celebrating our eleventh anniversary. We don’t have the perfect marriage or are we the perfect couple. In our 11 years of marriage, I have recognized some critical areas needed to build a solid and lasting bond as a couple.
Here are eleven things I’ve learned in eleven years of marriage.
1. Communicate.
In the early days of my marriage, I was bad at communicating my feelings to my husband. Instead of sharing what was bothering me, I suppressed my feelings and hoped he would read my mind.
I have learned over the years that my spouse is not a mind reader and if something is bothering me, I need to talk to him about it so that something can change.
Both parties must be willing to communicate openly for a marriage to succeed.
Admit when the two of you are mismatched. You don’t always have to compromise or give in because it only makes one of you happy. Instead, find common ground by being honest about your feelings and looking at things from each other’s perspectives.
2. Support each other.
As a couple, we have always supported each other’s dreams – big and small.
Last year my husband had to move across three provinces for work.
While I didn’t see that in our future and wasn’t a fan of moves, I knew what it meant for him.
He has always been a tremendous support and constantly encourages my growth in business and personal life. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had to stand by him and do something, so we did!
Even when it’s difficult, we need to support each other to grow.
3. Apologize to each other.
I’m not always the best at apologizing, but I’ve improved over the years. I’m mature enough today to say, “I’m sorry” or “I apologize for XYZ.”
In the past I’ve been far too proud to say I’m sorry or even admit I was wrong, but over the years I’ve learned to apologize rather than start a little conversation and carry on as usual without admitting or acknowledging the dispute.
Saying I’m sorry shows that we validate each other’s feelings and are willing to work through our disagreements.
Sorry to say also encourages that we are a couple who makes mistakes who is willing to improve while lifting each other up.
4. Set boundaries with relatives.
Relatives love to give their two cents in relationships.
We had many comments from relatives about when to start a family. The decision to exclusively breastfeed our two children also drew a lot of criticism (especially the first one).
The last was when my spouse had to move across the country for work, his parents suggested he not do it.
We learned early on as a couple the importance of setting boundaries with family members — being bold and bold enough to say, “Thanks for the advice; However, we will make a choice that is best for our lifetime and family.”
5. Have common goals.
My partner and I are total opposites. But I believe that our differences complement each other.
Not all of our goals are the same. My husband has personal goals and so do I. But as a couple, we have common goals and priorities that we agree on. For example: how we raise our children, invest our money, spend our time, plan vacations, give gifts and so on.
6. Make time for each other.
As a couple with two young children, we are constantly interrupted. This is the time of life we are in and we openly welcome it.
In fact, we enjoy including our children in almost everything we do and spending as much time with them as possible.
However, once the kids are asleep, we spend about an hour each night purposely chatting and catching up before bed.
7. Don’t judge or criticize each other.
After 11 years of marriage, I’ve come to realize that he’s always going to do something that irritates me. Likewise, some of my actions will annoy him. It’s an inevitable part of marriage.
I no longer get frustrated when he changes his clothes and leaves his pajamas on the bed. Instead, I put them in the laundry basket for him.
Paying attention to all of your spouse’s quirks and being quick to anger will only prevent you from seeing their endless good qualities.
8. Show an interest in learning more about each other.
When you’ve been with someone for a long time it’s easy to assume you know everything about them, but there’s always more to learn and understand, and curiosity can keep a relationship fresh and exciting.
Even though we’ve been married for over a decade, there’s still so much to know.
I’m always interested in learning more about my spouse, listening carefully to what he says and noticing what triggers him when he sees the news or what interests him when he’s playing a game, watching a movie, or playing with the kids.
9. Choose not to keep a score.
Tit for tat never works well and is pretty unhealthy for any relationship.
Of course, both people should have the time and opportunity to pursue their own interests. But if you think you need to find a new adventure as some sort of revenge for your partner who’s been playing golf all afternoon, you’re probably breeding resentment.
10. Avoid running to your parents or your best friend to complain about small things.
Quarrels in marriage are inevitable, and disagreements can be healthy. I believe that they offer an opportunity to learn something new from each other.
The more people you involve in your affairs, the more complicated things become because it’s tempting to let them influence you rather than making the right choices for you and your relationship.
When spouses sit together and have an honest, open, and thoughtful conversation, they can understand each other better.
11. Be playful.
In eleven years of marriage, I have come to realize the importance of not always talking about worldly activities and things that are happening around the world. Our hearts can easily get heavy when we are focused on everything that is going on in the world.
As a couple, you need to take a moment and indulge in the light-hearted, playful side of life. Sometimes that means we watch funny TikTok videos together or send each other funny text messages.
This allows us to add joy and bring a much-needed sparkle into our lives.
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Marriages aren’t always easy. We have stats to prove it, right?!
Today I feel blessed and grateful to enter another year of marriage with my husband.
I’m willing to learn, grow and strive to be the best version of myself while supporting him to be the best version of himself.
About Anna K
Anna K. is an online entrepreneur and the founder and content creator of What Mommy Wants – a blog dedicated to helping “jack of all trades” moms move from burnout and abandoning their priorities to peace with themselves. Find her free daily wellness planner and journal prompts here.
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